Escola Secundária José Falcão

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Although i’ve always suspected that i live in a bit of a vacuum, the conversations i’ve had, heard, and read over the past couple of weeks have basically confirmed this. Apparently infidelity is the new 30, and my lack of experience in this arena apparently either means that i’m hopelessly behind the cheating curve (the preferred option) or so undesirable that both me and the equally undesirable women i’ve chosen to be with exist in cheat-free alternate universes (the, ummm, unpreferred option)

Thing is, even if you disregard the “cheating is wrong and sh*t” thought, the idea of cheating has never even really been a relevant issue for me, for five completely separate and somewhat selfish reasons.

1. I’m lazy as hell

The walls in the dining area (“area” because calling it a “room” would be like calling the mud puddle in my parking lot a swamp) of my apartment are decorated with framed 24 x 36 inch vintage art posters. Sure, they’re a bit cliche and definitely pretentious, but they’re colorful and black chicks with glasses, asses, and advanced degrees seem to dig them.

…is actually laying on the floor next to my dining area table. it fell off the wall when my air conditioning broke, making my apartment so hot for a week or so that the wall adhesive basically melted, and its been there ever since because i’ve been too lazy to put it back up. 

If that alone doesn’t convince you of my transcendent laziness, lemme inform you that this frame fell in September…of 2024

Basically, a man who has spent 18 months walking past a fallen picture of a wino monkey because he just hasn’t felt like putting it back up yet probably isn’t going to bother trying to juggle multiple chicks.

2. I’m a bit of an assh*le

To expound, i’m a bit of an assh*le who will break up with somebody i still actually like.

Basically, while others might stay in a relationship where they’re still relatively happy, but cheat to fill whatever void they have, i don’t have a problem with just saying “sorry, this isn’t working,” pulling the kanye shrug and bouncing if i feel a strong inclination to step out.

3. It seems too time-consuming

Between working, blogging, watching basketball, playing basketball-like activities three days a week, the time spent in showers taken after masturbat1ng, and the time spend b*tching about the state of black relationships over cheap beer, i barely have enough time for my one girlfriend as it is.

I hate using condoms

I know that isn’t the most politically correct thing to admit, especially in light of world syphilis awareness week or whatever the hell it is right now, but f*ck it. yeah, i get tested and blah, blah, blah, blah, but isn’t being able to say “hey, look, ma: no condoms!!!” one of the perks of being in a long-term and faithful relationship?

Nevermind. Don’t answer that.

4. I live in pittsburgh

A common saying about the burgh is that it’s the biggest small town in the country. While six degrees of separation may connect you to everyone everywhere else, the burgh’s unique dynamics make it so that its somewhere between seven tenths and one and a quarter here.

Basically, if you can’t even go to a home depot in the hood on a thursday morning without running into (in order) an old teacher, your godsister, franco harris, and an old f-buddy from the summer of 2003, how the hell do you expect to be able to creep here without getting caught?

5. Apparently i’m prone to make funny f-faces

I’m already self-conscious enough as it is. i don’t need a bunch of off-brand **s knowing exactly what the champ looks and sounds like when he’s making baby champions.

Anyway, in the past two weeks we’ve devoted approximately 372 entries and 10,000 comments to why people cheat, why monogamy is unreasonable, and why blasian n*ggas named eldrick can’t be trusted.

For the remaining seven percent of us who haven’t cheated on their mate, i have one question: why? why haven’t you stepped out, and what has allowed you be a faithful tree in a den of inequity and easy p*ssy?

Also, for those who’ve cheated on some but not others, what made the difference? Was it circumstance, condition, or did you just wake up one day and decide to stop being a b*tch ass?